Her voice changed as soon as I said it. I was no longer talking to a chipper receptionist, but a serious medical professional.
"How long has this been happening?" She asked quickly.
"It just started, no more than an hour ago." I could tell she was writing down my answers.
She asked a few more questions and I worked to keep my voice from shaking as I answered her.
"Yes, this is my first."
"No, no pain today. I had a few cramps a week ago, but nothing horrible."
"Yes, I'll hold."
My Dr. wasn't available at the moment, but she said she would talk to him as soon as he got out of an exam. She told me to keep my phone close and they would call back asap.
I walked back into Zac's office. He was discussing some research with another attorney at his desk so I just sat quietly at my computer at the table. Pretty soon they finished and after Zac walked his colleague out I asked him to close the blinds on the door. When he turned around he could tell I was upset.
"Zac, there might be something wrong with our baby."
Zac and I went through a really stressful 24 hours this week. My doctor did call back fairly quickly and sent us to the hospital for some tests and then straight to his office for an exam and to talk about what would happen next.
We called our parents who all headed to Stillwater to meet us at the hospital. I sent a couple of texts to some close friends and asked them to pray for us and our baby and told them we would let them know what was going on when we knew more.
My doctor went through a few signs and symptoms with us. He said this is obviously something we need to take seriously because it could be a sign of miscarriage, but that we had a couple of things going for us that pointed away from that.
Admitting that it was easier said than done he told us to try to relax as best as two very newbie parents could. He devised a plan for the rest of the week. Ultrasound on Wednesday, more blood work on Thursday and a phone call/possible appointment on Friday. He told us to settle in because most likely we wouldn't have any conclusive answers until Friday.
Tuesday night was rough. We left the hospital and went to Perkins to eat dinner with my parents, then stopped by Zac's parents house on the way back home. I would love to tell you that I just had this overwhelming peace that God was in control and that I didn't need to worry about it... but that would be a lie. A big, fat lie. I was worried - scared, upset, and worried
Zac and I stayed up watching The Office on netflix late into the night. (We knew we wouldn't have been sleeping anyway.) And when we were finally ready for bed we prayed together. We prayed (read: begged) that God would allow our baby to continue to grow. We prayed (again, begged, with tears) that if something was wrong He would simply just fix it and keep our baby healthy. We tried to stand on faith as best as we could and admitted that He is in control of the situation no matter the outcome.
And I asked for one thing that was kinda bold. I almost didn't ask, because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I decided to ask anyway. I asked God to see a heart beat at the ultrasound in the morning.
You see, our doctor had said that he wasn't expecting much from the ultrasound.
"Basically we're looking to see if we can find a heartbeat. Don't get your hopes up, because I don't think we will. At this point the baby is probably just too small for us to see that tiny of a detail. So, no heartbeat does not equal a miscarriage, but finding a heartbeat would mean that your baby is still alive and growing. It would sort of be a short-cut to the answers we're hoping the blood tests will give us on Friday."
So I asked my heavenly Father to see a heart beat.
The drive Tuesday morning was a long one. We both wanted to get there as soon as possible. I was struggling between asking God to please keep our baby healthy and rehearsing in my mind how I want to react if we got the worst news. I want to submit to my Father no matter what the circumstances. I want to say like Job, "I will praise the God who gives and who takes away." Or like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, "Our God will save us, but even if He doesn't..." I want to follow Christ even when things don't go the way I want.
As we were driving we were listening to a Pandora station with some praise music on it. Casting Crown's song Praise You in This Storm came on when we were about 10 miles away.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.
I decided this would be my little anthem for the next week. While I spent every chance I could asking God to keep our baby healthy. If that was not the path He had choose for us I would still praise Him.
Fast forward to the ultrasound.
"Well, everything looks good." The tech told us. "I can't see a heart beat, but at this early stage I wouldn't have expected to. Everything else looks very good though."
My heart sank a little bit. Not totally, I knew that we most likely wouldn't have found anything, but still, I had asked God specifically that we see a heart beat.
"There is another option for you though." The tech had our full attention. "There is a second type of ultrasound we can try that could give us a little bit more information. There is no guarantee that we could see anything else. And if you want to just wait until you get all the blood work done, that is going to be your most reliable answer, but there is this option if you want to try it."
Zac and I looked at each other and took about .8 seconds to say, "Yes, lets just see."
The tech changed out the equipment necessary and before long we were staring at the black and white smudges again. The two techs were pointing out what was what to us as well as talking between themselves about measurements and things I didn't understand.
"Is that!?!?" Zac squeezed my hand extra tight.
Then I saw it too. There was a teensy-tiny little section on the screen that was pulsing.
Again Zac tried to get the words out. "Is that a??? Hey! Is that?!?!?"
"We're in luck." One of the techs said, "That right there is a little, tiny heart beat!"
Zac and I both sighed audibly as they measured it's pulses and told us that our baby's heart was beating like a little humming bird at 150 beats per min.
They finished up the ultrasound and printed us a couple of pictures. Zac and I held each other and prayed to thank God for answering our prayer right there in the exam room. We took the pictures to show my parents since they were on the way to Chandler and sent out a text to the (by now) 20ish people who had been praying with us over the last 24 hours.
Fast forward to today.
I spoke with my Dr. and he says everything came back very positive. He even said that they are very surprised that we were able to see a heart beat on Wednesday. That means that our baby is very strong and healthy for how early we are in the pregnancy.
Zac and I couldn't be more relieved for that news, more grateful to all our family and friends who prayed with us and encouraged us when it was scary and celebrated with us when we had good news, or more thankful to the God who gives (and takes away.)
Dear Baby P,
Your daddy and I already love you very much. Of course we knew we loved you, but this week we got a little taste of how much we already love you. You keep getting strong and stay healthy. We know God himself is forming you inside there, so you're in good hands. We love you already and we are so excited that we got to see your little tiny heart beating. We love you!
Mommy & Daddy
"How long has this been happening?" She asked quickly.
"It just started, no more than an hour ago." I could tell she was writing down my answers.
She asked a few more questions and I worked to keep my voice from shaking as I answered her.
"Yes, this is my first."
"No, no pain today. I had a few cramps a week ago, but nothing horrible."
"Yes, I'll hold."
My Dr. wasn't available at the moment, but she said she would talk to him as soon as he got out of an exam. She told me to keep my phone close and they would call back asap.
I walked back into Zac's office. He was discussing some research with another attorney at his desk so I just sat quietly at my computer at the table. Pretty soon they finished and after Zac walked his colleague out I asked him to close the blinds on the door. When he turned around he could tell I was upset.
"Zac, there might be something wrong with our baby."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Zac and I went through a really stressful 24 hours this week. My doctor did call back fairly quickly and sent us to the hospital for some tests and then straight to his office for an exam and to talk about what would happen next.
We called our parents who all headed to Stillwater to meet us at the hospital. I sent a couple of texts to some close friends and asked them to pray for us and our baby and told them we would let them know what was going on when we knew more.
My doctor went through a few signs and symptoms with us. He said this is obviously something we need to take seriously because it could be a sign of miscarriage, but that we had a couple of things going for us that pointed away from that.
Admitting that it was easier said than done he told us to try to relax as best as two very newbie parents could. He devised a plan for the rest of the week. Ultrasound on Wednesday, more blood work on Thursday and a phone call/possible appointment on Friday. He told us to settle in because most likely we wouldn't have any conclusive answers until Friday.
Tuesday night was rough. We left the hospital and went to Perkins to eat dinner with my parents, then stopped by Zac's parents house on the way back home. I would love to tell you that I just had this overwhelming peace that God was in control and that I didn't need to worry about it... but that would be a lie. A big, fat lie. I was worried - scared, upset, and worried
Zac and I stayed up watching The Office on netflix late into the night. (We knew we wouldn't have been sleeping anyway.) And when we were finally ready for bed we prayed together. We prayed (read: begged) that God would allow our baby to continue to grow. We prayed (again, begged, with tears) that if something was wrong He would simply just fix it and keep our baby healthy. We tried to stand on faith as best as we could and admitted that He is in control of the situation no matter the outcome.
And I asked for one thing that was kinda bold. I almost didn't ask, because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I decided to ask anyway. I asked God to see a heart beat at the ultrasound in the morning.
You see, our doctor had said that he wasn't expecting much from the ultrasound.
"Basically we're looking to see if we can find a heartbeat. Don't get your hopes up, because I don't think we will. At this point the baby is probably just too small for us to see that tiny of a detail. So, no heartbeat does not equal a miscarriage, but finding a heartbeat would mean that your baby is still alive and growing. It would sort of be a short-cut to the answers we're hoping the blood tests will give us on Friday."
So I asked my heavenly Father to see a heart beat.
The drive Tuesday morning was a long one. We both wanted to get there as soon as possible. I was struggling between asking God to please keep our baby healthy and rehearsing in my mind how I want to react if we got the worst news. I want to submit to my Father no matter what the circumstances. I want to say like Job, "I will praise the God who gives and who takes away." Or like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, "Our God will save us, but even if He doesn't..." I want to follow Christ even when things don't go the way I want.
As we were driving we were listening to a Pandora station with some praise music on it. Casting Crown's song Praise You in This Storm came on when we were about 10 miles away.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.
I decided this would be my little anthem for the next week. While I spent every chance I could asking God to keep our baby healthy. If that was not the path He had choose for us I would still praise Him.
Fast forward to the ultrasound.
"Well, everything looks good." The tech told us. "I can't see a heart beat, but at this early stage I wouldn't have expected to. Everything else looks very good though."
My heart sank a little bit. Not totally, I knew that we most likely wouldn't have found anything, but still, I had asked God specifically that we see a heart beat.
"There is another option for you though." The tech had our full attention. "There is a second type of ultrasound we can try that could give us a little bit more information. There is no guarantee that we could see anything else. And if you want to just wait until you get all the blood work done, that is going to be your most reliable answer, but there is this option if you want to try it."
Zac and I looked at each other and took about .8 seconds to say, "Yes, lets just see."
The tech changed out the equipment necessary and before long we were staring at the black and white smudges again. The two techs were pointing out what was what to us as well as talking between themselves about measurements and things I didn't understand.
"Is that!?!?" Zac squeezed my hand extra tight.
Then I saw it too. There was a teensy-tiny little section on the screen that was pulsing.
Again Zac tried to get the words out. "Is that a??? Hey! Is that?!?!?"
"We're in luck." One of the techs said, "That right there is a little, tiny heart beat!"
Can I just say that I have never loved a screen smudge so much in my life?!!
Zac and I both sighed audibly as they measured it's pulses and told us that our baby's heart was beating like a little humming bird at 150 beats per min.
They finished up the ultrasound and printed us a couple of pictures. Zac and I held each other and prayed to thank God for answering our prayer right there in the exam room. We took the pictures to show my parents since they were on the way to Chandler and sent out a text to the (by now) 20ish people who had been praying with us over the last 24 hours.
Fast forward to today.
I spoke with my Dr. and he says everything came back very positive. He even said that they are very surprised that we were able to see a heart beat on Wednesday. That means that our baby is very strong and healthy for how early we are in the pregnancy.
Zac and I couldn't be more relieved for that news, more grateful to all our family and friends who prayed with us and encouraged us when it was scary and celebrated with us when we had good news, or more thankful to the God who gives (and takes away.)
Dear Baby P,
Your daddy and I already love you very much. Of course we knew we loved you, but this week we got a little taste of how much we already love you. You keep getting strong and stay healthy. We know God himself is forming you inside there, so you're in good hands. We love you already and we are so excited that we got to see your little tiny heart beating. We love you!
Mommy & Daddy
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