Confession #15 : Becoming My Parents

First off I have to start with a quick apology for the length of time between posts. Zac and I are still recovering from all that went down in the 30 day period known as September. We launched Privott Law Firm L.L.C., we found out we were pregnant, we started planning to move to Chandler and we had a scare with our baby. It's was a long/exciting month.

As I adjust to being preggers I've been taking in a TON of information on babies, child raising, what to expect from my pregnant and rapidly changing body and lots and lots of other baby-related subjects. One of the things I'm trying to do is practice some relaxation techniques.

If you know me, you know that I thrive on being busy. (I was down with "morning sickness" for a little over 48 hours last week and it about drove me stir-crazy.) So in an effort to get some extra rest, slow myself down, and begin preparing myself for the addition of a tiny human in my life I have started trying to do Yoga for Preggo's 4 times a week.

Stop laughing. I'm looking at you Leslie Taylor!! (Side note: I tried regular yoga once while we were roommates. I think her very favorite picture of me is possibly the one she snapped just at the moment I fell to the ground, pretzeled in pain, in my new pair of yoga pants. To her credit... it was pretty stinking funny.)

As part of the exercise I spend the last 10 mins doing deep breathing exercises and thinking about our baby, praying for him or her, and thinking about what type of parent I was to be.

I've realized that mostly... I want Zac and I to become our parents. Of course there are little exceptions here and there, but on the whole, our parents rocked and I think I can sum it up in two things they modeled for us.

They taught us to be fearless and creative.

As most of you know I moved to Florida and worked for Mickey Mouse for a semester after I graduated from college. When my internship was over my mom flew out to meet me and make the drive home with me. Before we left for Oklahoma we spent a last couple of days in the parks together. It was a really great unwind time for me. We went around to all my favorite spots. I told mom stories about what I had done here or there and we enjoyed my last couple of days in Orlando together.

One evening we were sitting on a bench near my favorite spot to see the castle sharing a drink. I'll never forget talking with mom about some of my plans and hopes at the time. In the course of that conversation, she told me that she had always wanted me to be independent and fearless. Although she had missed me a ton while I was gone she was proud that I was the type of person who was willing and excited to move 1000 miles away on a big adventure. Zac's parents raised him to be is this type of guy too. He studied abroad in Scotland for a semester, and moved to New York City for a film internship during a summer. He's not afraid to pack up and take a risk either.

My mom mentioned the time I flew home from Estonia by myself as an unaccompanied minor. I was 14 and basically the airlines lost track of me. There had been a delayed flight and a change of plans. I hadn't been concerned with it. I got myself to the right terminal and gate, called mom and dad from a pay phone to let them know of the flight change and got myself back to OKC. In the middle of the flight from NY to OKC I was woken up by a stewardess who informed me that my "unaccompanied minor's paperwork" had not made the hand-off. In other words, if I had waited for the airline to reassign me an escort to the correct gate... I would have been spending the night in NY.

Another time I remember being taught to be brave was the summer that I was 8 years old. We were at the Reed's house for a 4th of July party and lots of the kids were out back lighting fireworks. I was afraid of lighting anything because everyone was using cigarette-style lighters and I was afraid of burning my thumb. I don't know exactly how this part came about, but my dad noticed I wasn't joining in on the fun. He left the area where the adult were all chatting in lawn chairs and walked out to the field area where all the kids were.

He showed me how to use the lighter and assured me that even though I did need to be careful, I didn't have to be afraid. He let me practice some, then had me light a smoke bomb. Oh my goodness! He may have later regretted that little lesson when I proved myself to be somewhat of a pyro, but still, he let me do it by myself. He taught me how, made sure I was okay with it and then turned me loose on my family size pack of smoke bombs!

Something else that Zac and I have talked about that we really appreciate our parents doing is allowing us to have lots of un-structured time. It gave us time to learn how to use our imaginations and encouraged our creativity.

One of Zac's family stories is the time he wrote and directed a Christmas play for he and his cousins to put on. I've been promised there are photos from that somewhere, but haven't seen them yet. Apparently to help fix some casting problems (more parts than cousins) Zac created a backpack that he could wear with two additional heads attached. It turned out that instead of having three Wise Men, this play had a three-headed Wise Man.

Another thing that we know encourages creativity... reading. Joan told me this past weekend that her rule for her kiddos was that she would not always buy them new a toy, but she would always buy them a book if they wanted to read. What a great way to encourage our kiddo(s) to enjoy reading! Another time with my dad that I really cherished was reading before bed. When I was younger (through 5th or 6th grade) dad would always read a chapter of a book to me before bed. (We read all 6427 Boxcar Children books that way.)

So basically, I am deciding now that I WANT to become my parents. I don't want to be the parent that we see all too often that keeps my kiddos in a bubble. I want to allow them to do the stuff that will cause scrapes and bruises. I plan on kicking my kiddos out of the living room to explore the backyard for a few hours at a time without a schedule of backyard exploring activities. Zac is already planning, and very excited, to read aloud The Chronicles of Narnia and other books to our kiddos.

So... feedback time!! I obviously have no idea what I'm doing and I would love to hear your input on things to keep in mind as I plan to be a parent. Fun things that encourage fearlessness and creativity and pitfalls to watch out for. Or things that you know about our parents that would be awesome for us to emulate. I reserve the right to not adhere to everything everyone says, but Zac and I really would enjoy hearing your thoughts! Thanks!

P.S.- Jen Hatmaker has a great blog post about raising Brave Kids. Check it out!

Confession #14 : To See A Heart Beat

Her voice changed as soon as I said it. I was no longer talking to a chipper receptionist, but a serious medical professional.

"How long has this been happening?" She asked quickly.

"It just started, no more than an hour ago." I could tell she was writing down my answers.

She asked a few more questions and I worked to keep my voice from shaking as I answered her.

"Yes, this is my first."
"No, no pain today. I had a few cramps a week ago, but nothing horrible."
"Yes, I'll hold."

My Dr. wasn't available at the moment, but she said she would talk to him as soon as he got out of an exam. She told me to keep my phone close and they would call back asap.

I walked back into Zac's office. He was discussing some research with another attorney at his desk so I just sat quietly at my computer at the table. Pretty soon they finished and after Zac walked his colleague out I asked him to close the blinds on the door. When he turned around he could tell I was upset.

"Zac, there might be something wrong with our baby."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Zac and I went through a really stressful 24 hours this week. My doctor did call back fairly quickly and sent us to the hospital for some tests and then straight to his office for an exam and to talk about what would happen next.

We called our parents who all headed to Stillwater to meet us at the hospital. I sent a couple of texts to some close friends and asked them to pray for us and our baby and told them we would let them know what was going on when we knew more.

My doctor went through a few signs and symptoms with us. He said this is obviously something we need to take seriously because it could be a sign of miscarriage, but that we had a couple of things going for us that pointed away from that.

Admitting that it was easier said than done he told us to try to relax as best as two very newbie parents could. He devised a plan for the rest of the week. Ultrasound on Wednesday, more blood work on Thursday and a phone call/possible appointment on Friday.  He told us to settle in because most likely we wouldn't have any conclusive answers until Friday.

Tuesday night was rough. We left the hospital and went to Perkins to eat dinner with my parents, then stopped by Zac's parents house on the way back home. I would love to tell you that I just had this overwhelming peace that God was in control and that I didn't need to worry about it... but that would be a lie. A big, fat lie. I was worried - scared, upset, and worried

Zac and I stayed up watching The Office on netflix late into the night. (We knew we wouldn't have been sleeping anyway.) And when we were finally ready for bed we prayed together. We prayed (read: begged) that God would allow our baby to continue to grow. We prayed (again, begged, with tears) that if something was wrong He would simply just fix it and keep our baby healthy. We tried to stand on faith as best as we could and admitted that He is in control of the situation no matter the outcome.

And I asked for one thing that was kinda bold. I almost didn't ask, because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I decided to ask anyway. I asked God to see a heart beat at the ultrasound in the morning.

You see, our doctor had said that he wasn't expecting much from the ultrasound.

"Basically we're looking to see if we can find a heartbeat. Don't get your hopes up, because I don't think we will. At this point the baby is probably just too small for us to see that tiny of a detail. So, no heartbeat does not equal a miscarriage, but finding a heartbeat would mean that your baby is still alive and growing. It would sort of be a short-cut to the answers we're hoping the blood tests will give us on Friday."

So I asked my heavenly Father to see a heart beat.

The drive Tuesday morning was a long one. We both wanted to get there as soon as possible. I was struggling between asking God to please keep our baby healthy and rehearsing in my mind how I want to react if we got the worst news. I want to submit to my Father no matter what the circumstances. I want to say like Job, "I will praise the God who gives and who takes away." Or like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, "Our God will save us, but even if He doesn't..." I want to follow Christ even when things don't go the way I want.

As we were driving we were listening to a Pandora station with some praise music on it. Casting Crown's song Praise You in This Storm came on when we were about 10 miles away.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.

I decided this would be my little anthem for the next week. While I spent every chance I could asking God to keep our baby healthy. If that was not the path He had choose for us I would still praise Him.

Fast forward to the ultrasound.

"Well, everything looks good." The tech told us. "I can't see a heart beat, but at this early stage I wouldn't have expected to. Everything else looks very good though."

My heart sank a little bit. Not totally, I knew that we most likely wouldn't have found anything, but still, I had asked God specifically that we see a heart beat.

"There is another option for you though." The tech had our full attention. "There is a second type of ultrasound we can try that could give us a little bit more information. There is no guarantee that we could see anything else. And if you want to just wait until you get all the blood work done, that is going to be your most reliable answer, but there is this option if you want to try it."

Zac and I looked at each other and took about .8 seconds to say, "Yes, lets just see."

The tech changed out the equipment necessary and before long we were staring at the black and white smudges again. The two techs were pointing out what was what to us as well as talking between themselves about measurements and things I didn't understand.

"Is that!?!?" Zac squeezed my hand extra tight.

Then I saw it too. There was a teensy-tiny little section on the screen that was pulsing.

Again Zac tried to get the words out. "Is that a??? Hey! Is that?!?!?"

"We're in luck." One of the techs said, "That right there is a little, tiny heart beat!"

Can I just say that I have never loved a screen smudge so much in my life?!! 

Zac and I both sighed audibly as they measured it's pulses and told us that our baby's heart was beating like a little humming bird at 150 beats per min.

They finished up the ultrasound and printed us a couple of pictures. Zac and I held each other and prayed to thank God for answering our prayer right there in the exam room. We took the pictures to show my parents since they were on the way to Chandler and sent out a text to the (by now) 20ish people who had been praying with us over the last 24 hours.

Fast forward to today.

I spoke with my Dr. and he says everything came back very positive. He even said that they are very surprised that we were able to see a heart beat on Wednesday. That means that our baby is very strong and healthy for how early we are in the pregnancy.

Zac and I couldn't be more relieved for that news, more grateful to all our family and friends who prayed with us and encouraged us when it was scary and celebrated with us when we had good news, or more thankful to the God who gives (and takes away.)

Dear Baby P,

Your daddy and I already love you very much. Of course we knew we loved you, but this week we got a little taste of how much we already love you. You keep getting strong and stay healthy. We know God himself is forming you inside there, so you're in good hands. We love you already and we are so excited that we got to see your little tiny heart beating. We love you!

Mommy & Daddy